Jokes and More Jokes

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http://jokes.glowport.com/golf.html
http://www.golfjokes.co.uk/
http://www.absolutelycollegiate.com/HomePage/golfjokes.htm
http://www.savingsolutions.com/golfhumor.html

One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.
They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."

There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. "John," the angel said, for the man's name was John.
"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.
"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.
"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"
"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime," John replied.
"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"
"Gee, John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that, the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.
True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."
"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John wondered aloud.
"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."

A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!
It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." The man said, "I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened." "What was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I got a seven!"

There was a golf course that specialized in senior citizen caddies. After completing a round, the starter asked one golfer, "So, how did the caddie work out?" The man replied, "He was nice enough, but he couldn't see far enough to follow the ball." "I'm sorry," said the starter, "Come back next week and I'll be sure you get a caddie that can see far enough."
The next week the man showed up and the starter introduced him to his 80 year old caddie. "Are you sure he can see?" asked the man. "Absolutely," said the starter. So off they went to the first tee. The man hit his drive and said to the caddie, "Did you see that?" "I sure did," came the reply. They walked together down the fairway and the man said to the caddie, "Well, where did my ball go?" The caddie replied, "I forget!"

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?
The golfer says, "Whapp! Oh, Shit!" And the sky diver says, "Oh, Shit. Whapp!"

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.
When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.
She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.
She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"
Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup." The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup." The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!"

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."
"That was my ball," the guy said.
"What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3."
"Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."

My friend, Don Fisher, when asked about his game replied, "It's a lot like masterbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch."

The golfer hit his drive into the adjacent water hazard on the first hole. He walked over to look for his ball and saw it about six feet out from the shore in shallow water. He took his ball retriever from his bag, extended it and reached out into the water and got his ball. As he was drying it off, he heard a voice speak to him.
"Hey, mister," the voice said.
He looked around and saw no one. He started back to drop his ball along the ball's line of flight as it went into the hazard.
"Hey, mister," the voice said again.
He looked down amongst the weeds and grass growing by the water and saw a frog. This time he was looking at the frog when it said, "Hey, mister."
"Yeah? What do you want, frog?" he asked.
"Mister, I'm really a beautiful princess but a wicked witch has put a spell on me and turned me into an ugly frog. If you will pick me up and kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess. Then you can take me home and we'll make wild passionate love for hours," the frog said.
The man reached down, picked the frog up and put it in his windbreaker pocket. He walked a few yards back down the fairway and dropped his ball preparing for his third shot.
"Hey, mister," the frog called, "aren't you going to kiss me?"
The man took a couple of practice swings with his three-wood and then hit the ball onto the par four green. Walking on towards the green, he said, "No, I'm not going to kiss you. At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A woman is cleaning out her attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls and $250.00.
When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that every time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.
She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."
She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll forgive you. However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.
Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every time I had collected a dozen balls I would sell them."

A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, "How long has it been since you've had a smoke?"
"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time", he replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"
"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time", he replied.
She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?"
His eyes bulged as he said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!"

A young woman, just after beginning her round was stung by a bee. After returning to the pro shop and telling the pro she was stung, she asked what she should do.
"Where were you stung,?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replies.
"Well," said the pro, "first of all your feet are too far apart."

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole.
He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.
Upon awakening, the little fellow says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and he walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."
The leprechaun again says, "I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.
On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.
"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."
His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scum bag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy!

Nicklaus vs. Wonder
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play to scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play."
Stevie Wonder turns around and says "Well, just about any night suits me."

A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly."Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"

"Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf. The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two. The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry. The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play. The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".

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